If my memory serves me well, this happened in the beginning of 2018: as I walked into a new classroom, I noticed there were a few international students that I have seen around the hallway. I decided that it’s about time for us to get acquainted — being in a group work oriented course, it’s won’t be long before we will have to talk to one another — so I sat down next to them and struck up a conversation.
They were surprised to find out that I’m also a foreign student. One of them commented that I act and behave differently from the other boys “within the community” (whatever that means), which was why they thought that I must have been born and bred in America. When I asked what led them to that conclusion, they exchanged a quick glance and said:
“Well, you just look so confident and you don’t have an accent. You also don’t seem to be afraid of talking to the local students or professors.”
In their defense, the evidences didn’t help: my English is quite fluent and I behave differently due to having lived in the US for over a decade already.
But this wasn’t the first time it has happened. It may be because that most young adults in Asia are quite reserved in nature, and it does take time and effort in order for people to grow out of their shell. For those new students, there is yet the extra challenge of needing time to adjust to the American culture and lifestyle. It’s no wonder that they would’ve made a wrong guess about my background.
That said, just over a decade ago, I was that teenage nerd who sat with comic and video game-loving boys in the corner of the classroom — the exact type that would get picked on by class rascals and teased by popular girls. Fifteen year old me couldn’t possibly have imagined I would turn out to be who I am now.
The Background
Before I move on any further, I want to make it clear that I’m not here to sell you the sort of "5 Quick Tips: How to Become Confident Within A Day” snake oil. I’m just here to tell you the real story of how I got from a shy chubby kid, who would get nervous when talking to any girls in school, all the way to become a “confident” adult who can strike up a conversation with anyone.
It took about a decade worth of time before I became comfortable with who I am as a person. But that was only half of the equation; the other part of it was getting hurled to a distant continent to survive by myself at the age of seventeen. Being repeatedly put into financially difficult situations and having pull myself up by the bootstraps, I had no choice but to learn how to seek help — I was essentially forced to break out of my shell.
Here’s one of such examples: as I didn’t have enough savings to pay for international flights to travel home, I thought I might as well find some productive thing to do during vacations. What I didn’t know at first was that foreign students cannot get compensated for off-campus employment. I was quite flustered after the discovery, because unlike the vast majority of the wealthier students that never had to worry about living expenses, I was one of the few who had to keep track of even the pocket change on a weekly basis. Any extra spending money would be a godsend.
That left me no choice but to limit my search within the school. And so, my brilliant self decided to rush into the residential director’s office — during the lunch break no less — and clumsily asked for a job. The bold move amused her enough that it worked out in my favor: I got offered to work as a summer camp assistant, and while the school couldn’t compensate me directly for legal reasons, the director did agree to take off a few thousand dollars from my tuition cost.
(Incidentally, that event taught me what people meant by “you don’t know until you try” — if I didn’t have the need to ask for a job, I wouldn’t have known that it was possible to dig one out of nowhere.)
It should be clear at this point this isn’t any sort of a magical transformation — it was an endurance test of having my ego repeatedly hammered by the harsh reality until it changed shape. As worthwhile as the outcome is, the process was rather slow and painful.
That said, I have read about plenty of similar experiences to confirm that this process was a necessary trial in order to force me out my comfort zone. I can also attest it’s the lack of such hardships that causes some folks to never outgrow their young timid self — crises create room for opportunities, but most wouldn’t voluntarily take up such challenge unless they are left with no other choices; I certainly wouldn’t have had to worry about my own living expenses if I didn’t leave home as a teenager.
(Speaking of which, I often preach this idea to younger peers when they approach me for advice on this topic: the first order of business is to start with social activities that they have never attempted and definitely will make them feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, only a few had listened and committed to change, while the rest chose to walk away in doubt.)
There’s truly no secret to any of these. Barring clinical disorders, attaining confidence is a simple (in theory, difficult in practice) matter of climbing over the mountain of fear.
You have to start climbing, one way or another, however hard and painful it might be. Or else you won’t ever get to the other side.
An Unexpected Discovery
As with most young kids, I associated pride and boldness with a confident personality — that’s what we observed from more extroverted teens, after all. The “haughty, well-built, popular varsity sports guy” stereotype in the teen flicks rings true based on my experience... heck, the cliche even played out in such way that the said guy went on to date the girl I had a long-time crush for.
(For a few years when I was trying to become more confident, that’s also how I conducted myself as well; that naive attitude ended up hurting myself and my friends in ways that I’m too embarrassed to elaborate here. But at least I figured that out early enough.)
The turning point came in an unexpected fashion: I picked up a self-help book by accident and it turned out to be just the guidepost I needed.
(My current self finds that revelation hard to believe, because I *loathe* self-help books on this topic: once you’ve caught onto their narrative patterns, you’ll come to notice that most books in this genre are just rehashing age-old ideas and presenting them in different forms. I bought another book from the same group of authors not long after I finished the first one, and it took me less than ten pages into the second book to came to that conclusion. I didn’t know about it at the time, but I might as well have read Dale Carnegie’s classic instead.)
As it turns out, maintaining composure — which is commonly seen as a display of confidence — is really quite straightforward in practice: it’s merely a combination of an empathic mindset, clear articulation, and positive body language. You might feel uneasy inside, but as long as you stay composed on the outside, others won’t be able to tell; knowing how to appear confident may be a more feasible short term goal while you continue to work on improving your mental state.
For the vast majority of people who are still troubled by their lack of confidence, however, they have the challenge of needing to identify those specific weaknesses in the first place — in addition to knowing how to overcome them.
You may already sense the paradox here: first, they have to muster up the courage to work towards the lack of thereof.
And the trickiest part of all this is that it’s never easy to tell what will put them on the right track — they won’t begin to take action and withstand the repeated setbacks if they aren’t wholly convinced it’s worth their time and effort. I was lucky enough that all it took was accidentally stumbling upon a book in the right frame of mind; for those who sought and listened to my advice, it was the validation from a person they deem to be a trustworthy ally... the source of that catalyst is different for everyone, what works for you and I may do nothing for someone else.
How can people figure that out for themselves, then? I honestly don’t have an answer, because I only know the crude way of making as many different attempts as possible. And again, that takes courage and patience.
Although, speaking from experience, I do know what won’t work: telling others to become someone else they don’t want to be — it’d be akin to offering a hot drink to someone who only likes cold beverages. The willingness factor is important here: you can’t force people to change if they aren’t ready to do so. A failure resulting from being forced to act against one’s own will may only push them further away from the goal.
The best we can do is to point people towards the right direction and hope for the best.
Casual Conversations
If it’s not obvious yet, let’s be clear that there is not a singular facet that can determine whether a person is confident or not. Having a good grasp on social skills, for instance, is just one of the many facets of confidence. But even within this category alone, the skills can vary and their effectiveness are highly dependent on the context of use.
I’m certainly not an expert in this area, but people do unconsciously put you into the “confident” or “timid” box relative to the display of your social skills. So, if nothing else, working on improving them should at least lead to some visible outcomes immediately.
And with that said, I do have some advice to share to anyone who is looking to improve their casual conversational skills.
Casual conversations are arguably the most common type of interactions that make up the majority of our time spent in public — my theory is that any incremental improvements will surely add up a great deal in the long run.
(The “casual” part is important to note: the ability to carry casual conversations well doesn’t necessarily mean that you will always navigate social occasions swimmingly, because the conversation partners and circumstances are different each time, and some are more or less casual than others. This is the context dependent aspect I mentioned above.)
I’m speaking from the angle of a learned introvert here: over the years, I have tested them myself and found them effective in helping to improve my informal conversational experiences. These are not foolproof, but I guarantee they will serve you well if you aren’t a social butterfly and are looking for a few actionable tips.
Be aware of the overall exchange and not fixate anything in particular — especially not on your own thoughts. I used to worry about how my inner monologue would translate into spoken words, but it struck me later that I would miss behavioral hints because most of my attention was dedicated to myself rather than the conversation itself. Once I shifted to listening to the other parties more closely, I realized it wouldn’t take much participation on my part to keep a conversation flowing smoothly. (Provided that your conversation partners aren’t the “sit and say nothing” type.)
Don’t rush to start speaking when it’s your turn. Talk slower to enunciate more clearly. I picked this one up while observing other people my public speaking class: when you’re nervous, one of the consequences is that you start to mistime how soon or fast you speak, so you end up mincing your own words or cutting into others even they haven’t finished speaking. In the latter case, it’s best to count few seconds before you follow up. Try to control your urge of wanting to get your words out asap — focus on slowing down and pacing yourself, because it is only going to be more awkward when you have to repeat after a slurred speech.
Use fewer filler words and avoid excessive pauses with “um” or similar sounds. This should be self-explanatory, but it is also probably the hardest to do well as this tends to be deeply ingrained in our behavior and it’s difficult to unlearn it. There is a world of difference in how confident you sound based on how much filler exists in between your spoken words. All you need is to practice how you talk about different topics; you can do this by imagining a mock scenario and recording yourself as you speak.
Don’t force yourself to just maintain constant eye contact — soften your look. Remember to blink and look around naturally between longer pauses of the conversation. You might have probably heard the advice of looking the person in the eyes when you speak, but if you’re not used to doing it, you will just end up giving the person a dead stare instead, because of how unnaturally persistent you would seem. (There’s also the cultural element that not everyone is used to conversing with constant eye contact, so adapt your approach as you see fit; making the other party uncomfortable isn’t the recipe to a good impression.)
To round it all up, here are some quick tips that will put others more at ease when they are around you, which will in turn make you feel better about yourself and see more success when paired with the advice above: maintain a good hygiene, wear clean clothes, and have a fresh breath (a pack of mint at all times will solve most of this problem).
Embracing Yourself
Having said all that, achieving real confidence ultimately rests on being comfortable with who you are — to accept all the goods and bads of yourself. If you choose to not embrace your shortcomings and to fake an appearance instead, you can only do so for as long as your insecurities aren’t exposed, but that visage will instantly crumble once your real self is under threat.
(A good example of this is the impulsive nature of comparing ourselves with others under different circumstances, whether it be against a competent colleague at work or a charming person of the same gender. Whenever we do this, the comparison is between our judgement of our real self versus our subjective and incomplete perception of them, therefore it’s not even close to serve as an unbiased examination — we tend to pitch our worsts against their bests — and whatever comes out of it is just going to be counterproductive to our goal.)
Regardless of how much you work to improve your confidence level, you’ll have to make peace with the fact that there are obstacles that you can’t realistically overcome; this is integral to your self-acceptance.
Fundamentally, you are who you are. While you can learn to develop your soft skills and adapt to different situations, you’d want to stay true to yourself in some ways, and not push yourself over the edge just to gratify others — doing so isn’t conducive to your mental health anyway. And it’s rarely worth the sacrifice: if the interaction demands that you to behave as if you were someone else, what’s in it for you to begin with?
You will still fumble from time to time, and commit faux pas even when you don’t intend to, because you can’t possibly prepare yourself to respond to every scenario. You can, however, prime yourself to become more responsive, so you can quickly recover from an awkward moment rather than dwelling on it for the entire duration. There’s no shortcut to this; it’s just a matter of making a lot mistakes and learning from them, like my personal story earlier.
The world as a whole is a more advantageous place for the naturally social ones — this may never change. The key difference between the two groups comes down to how fast our energy depletes when subjected to circumstances that we aren’t inherently comfortable in. As introverts, our learned skills merely equip us to effectively navigate and handle social occasions, but we don’t necessarily feel invigorated while taking part in them.
Now that we are here, let’s also talk a little bit about the external factors. I can’t say for sure if this is inherent to human nature, but we do take pride in showing ownership of high value belongings or titular affiliation with famed institutions: the lady with the most exquisite dress at a gala gets all the eyeballs; the researcher from an elite university seem to speak with conviction in a conference call... so on and so forth.
Even without digging deep into the psychology of these phenomenons, I’m sure you already know what I’m referring to, and a few familiar occurrences in the past do come to mind.
While there is nothing wrong with making use of those external factors to bolster our confidence — since some of them do represent the outcome of one’s prided labor — a hard-earned prize from a fierce competition is nothing to scoff at. But if we can’t help to conspicuously broadcast those parts of our life, perhaps we should really ask how much of our ideal self depend on the upkeep of such shiny exterior.
(The obvious caveat being that, if you lean too much into material possessions and prestigious titles, almost as if they were a crutch, you take on the risk of bruising your ego when somebody else outshine you in these parts, and harboring envy can lead to regrettable decisions.
While our mind is finicky, it’s at least one of the few things that we can learn to manage well with consistency throughout our life.)
If, after you’ve tried your best to overcome your weaknesses, and you still find yourself constantly feeling threatened by too many factors beyond your control — then perhaps you’re in a wrong environment or you’ve surrounded yourself with unhelpful personalities in the first place. After all, it would be a fool’s errand to try to grow crops in a desert.
In that case, strive to find a place where you can have the freedom to experiment, fail, and improve — only then will you have the room to work towards becoming the better version of yourself.